...or maybe a square hole, I am really not quite sure. But the truth is I don't fit inside many spaces, and I am OK with that, but it's not always easy. I hope as I write this you see some seeds of recognition in my story, and know that my whole mission is to give a place and space for the triangle people to find a place they fit. Because I know how hard it can be. We all want to belong, but there was a point in my life (maybe my whole life really) where knowing, accepting and being who I am, outweighed any need to fit in with the "in crowd". Which at 47 I still feel like there is still an energy of the "in crowd" in certain circles I travel in. And sometimes that can be a lonely place. But I have put the "call out" to find my peeps or to beam strong enough energy out for them to find me and know they will be welcomed with open arms.
Since I love to look at the dictionary definitions of words I am sitting with that I put my own internal language around I decided to look up Belonging.
1.) to be in the relation of a member, adherent, inhabitant, etc. (usually followed by to): He belongs to the Knights of Columbus.
2.) to have the proper qualifications, especially social qualifications, to be a member of a group:You don't belong in this club.
3) to be proper or due; be properly or appropriately placed, situated, etc.:Books belong in every home. This belongs on the shelf. He is a statesman who belongs among the great.
#2 may have interested me the most. "You don't belong in this club." And we wonder why the desire for belonging for some of us, especially when we are young outweighs being who we are. Conforming, doing whatever it takes to be in the club. In my case that involved self-sabotaging choices in order to belong, some that took decades to unravel and release. Some I am still releasing.
I grew up in NJ where my toughness and intensity was accepted but my uniqueness and fascination with the esoteric was not. I was a big-haired hippy, long after being a hippy was cool, and before it was cool again. I never know if I am behind the times, or ahead of the times, or beyond time.
Here in Colorado, people (in some areas) accept the metaphysical, but the intense "Jersey" girl can scare people away. Sometimes I am not woo-woo enough.
Specifically in my neighborhood, I am a liberal in a sea of conservatives, but I know I am not alone, so once again I send the laser beams for the ones who are afraid to come out of the broom closet to come find me. And yet I am not cool or "fashionably woke" enough for the downtown crowd, despite the fact that I have been studying most spiritual paths and sacred texts since these folks were in diapers or even still stardust. (I am starting to feel like I am channeling JP Sears..if only I was that funny).
In the corporate world I was smart and savvy and creative enough to make it to a certain level, but hit the glass ceiling for not being "corporate" enough and actually caring about and mentoring my employees.
In my work now, I no longer fit in with the health and wellness crowd, because I don't do hands on work anymore and I take no responsibility for anyone's healing, I teach them how to access their own wisdom and stories. I am not a therapist, and while I am trained as a coach, I consider myself a guide and a mentor, not a coach, in fact I don't win any popularity contests there either because of some of my views on coaching. I am not an art teacher although I use art as a teaching and spiritual access tool, so I don't fit in with the artist crowd either.
So why I am writing all this? Because this is what I am sitting with, and that's what I do, write about what I am processing and hope that it serves as an inspiration to anyone who has ever felt like they just don't fit anywhere. So here are some things I want you to remember and consider:
1.) Being unique is amazing. Sharing that uniqueness is a choice. One I will never, ever, regret.
2.)You will never find your tribe if you are not authentic in who you are. And even then you might not, or not where you physically landed in this lifetime. Thankfully I have triangle sisters worldwide, but I do wish I had some more here to hang out with.
3.) Some of us are not either/or people we are both/and people. We hold the paradox.
4.)Learning who we are at our essence and standing in that is true freedom, even if you are not part of the "in crowd"
5.) There is always a place for you in my world and in my heart, in fact I calling you to me to stand in your greatness, your uniqueness, your weirdness.
6.) You belong HERE
I recently had a mentor say to me. "Dina, when are you going to realize you will never belong. You weren't meant to, you were dropped on the planet to create a space where all the people who don't feel like they belong can discover who they are, and BE who they are, and be loved. So stop trying so hard to belong."
Hearing those words, did not make what I already knew any easier, but I have come to a place where I am so, so grateful that I made the choice despite not belonging, to be who I am. To not own a "game face", to have been given the means to create the space I was meant to create, and to not tolerate any drama or bullshit in my life, even if that means my circle is small.
It's not always easy being the triangle. Not one thing or another, but what is called the sacred third in some spiritual paths. Meaning if you are faced with being or deciding between one thing or one way or another, how about looking at a third possibility? Which sometimes is just BEING.
I got to spend time in a class on self-love and acceptance and it warmed my heart that all the women there said the one thing they loved about themselves, and they accept is their weirdness. I feel like we are making progress in claiming that, loving that, and knowing that there are others just like us, and there is a place where we belong. First in our own hearts, and then in community, that when we put the call out to connect to others like us, they show up. I will never, ever doubt that, and I honored to spend time with all the triangles out there.